


322 Expansion

by carpetsocks



Category: The Order of the Stick
Genre: Exactly What It Says on the Tin, Expanding on the Canon, Gen, Humor, episode rewrite, misgendering maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29173173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carpetsocks/pseuds/carpetsocks
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin.
Relationships: Belkar Bitterleaf & Vaarsuvius





	322 Expansion

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own the characters or dialogue or plot. Thank you Rich Burlew for blessing us with the basis for this.

Stupid Elan. Not that he’d liked that stupid dog in the first place, but now he was walking. Beardy Von Smackhammer got to ride, but not him, and that stupid dwarf wouldn’t even fall for his pony jokes.

“Well, at least _someone_ gets to ride,” Roy said, giving Durkon a disgruntled look.

“Sorry, lad,” Durkon replied, though he sure didn’t look that sorry. Belkar scowled at the uneven ground. He’d twisted his ankle a few miles back, which had jarred his bad knee. But he refused to limp, especially with V behind him.

Durkon stopped and he almost ran into the pony’s butt. “Hey, Roy! Is that one of the tests?” Elan asked. Belkar tensed and stalked forward.

“Considering we’re still two days from the entrance of the valley, my gut says, ‘No.’ It’s probably just a random encounter,” Roy said. Elan sighed.

“Looks like an owlbear. I don’t think it’s seen us,” Belkar said as he took his hand off his dagger.

“Why?” That was the elf. She had slipped ahead of the party and was pointing at the owlbear with a confused look on her face.

“Why what?” Roy asked. He walked up to join her.

“Why would anyone crossbreed a perfectly serviceable bear with an owl?”

“Who knows? I mean, no offense, but wizards do some wacky crap from time to time.” Roy glanced sideways at V, frowning slightly.

V motioned palms-up at the owlbear. “But there’s no tangible benefit to this pairing. It can’t even fly.”

Elan grinned. “Maybe it’s natural? Like a bear and an owl fell in love?”

Belkar internally winced at the thought. “If so, I hope the owl was male and the bear was the female, rather than the other way around. Ouch.” Roy turned his party leader glare on him.

V shook their head in disgust. “No, no, it is clearly the result of magic. I simply cannot fathom the intended purpose… a bear is already a dangerous predator; what benefit is there in breeding it with a smaller, weaker, less frightening animal? What should we expect next? The dreaded bunnywolf? The ferocious penguinlion? Perhaps the terrible ducksnake? Utterly ridiculous.”

The beginning of an idea popped into Belkar’s head. He made his way up behind the wizard, acting casual so Roy wouldn’t get suspicious.

“Now, now,” he said, “The owlbear has its uses. Watch this.”

V looked over her shoulder at him. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Hey! Wise Mister Owlbear! How many licks does it take to get to the chewy elven center of a Vaarsuvius Pop?”

V started to turn, a look of absolute confusion on her face, but he lunged forward, throwing all his weight against the slender elf. V stumbled forward and without thinking, the owlbear swallowed the flying snack in one gulp.

“One,” it said. He could hear Elan’s horrified gasp, Durkon’s sigh, the sound of metal on leather as Roy unsheathed his sword; he knew he’d get in trouble for this later, but all he could do was grin at the sight of V’s cloak hanging out of its beak.

This was perfect revenge.


End file.
